kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
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Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.