it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
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If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Bootstraps
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
My dad teaching me to drive
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.