Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
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You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I just tested negative for patience.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
A French press is when you hug naked
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.