There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
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The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Oceanography is all about current events
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.