Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
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me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
I’M CRYINGGG
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids