My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
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You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.