I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
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If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.