Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
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[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
🤣could you imagine
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.