My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
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shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.