I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
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Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
So the ex texted me
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
only 11 steps left
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
The biggest mystery of our time
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.