If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
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[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless