I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
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Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
wow
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa