Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
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You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
🤣😂🤣
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I laughed at this way too hard.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn