Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
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me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.