I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
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I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
ok like just. call me at this point
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano