Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
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If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*