I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
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if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
You learn something every day
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
How to draw a duck
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Smells like a challenge to me