Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
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Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
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“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.