KFC hitting the cannibal market
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Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.