Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
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Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Not today. 😅
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.