I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
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I feel this so hard
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
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