Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
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I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.