“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
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I’m literally crying
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
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MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.