Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
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[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great