My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
You Might Also Like
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.