Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
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My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.