My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
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Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah