The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
You Might Also Like
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
🙋♀️
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea