Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
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I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Has science gone too far?
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no