‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
You Might Also Like
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
What do you hear?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.