There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
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Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
It’s an epidemic…
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
me adding lol on a serious message
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄