I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
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Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I was up all night reading about insomnia