Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
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How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
OMG 🤣🤣
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
God has left this place
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.