Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
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Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
the saddest jazz hands ever
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.