“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
You Might Also Like
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
don’t we all
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.