Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
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[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
That’s enough internet for the day
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
they should invent a hydrating liquor
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.