Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
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Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…