Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
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Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.