GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
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My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face