To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
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At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Same post same
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers