“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
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Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
liiiiiiiiike
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
What is going on? 😅
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!