Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
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Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂