No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
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Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.