Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
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I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.