if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
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Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?