Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
You Might Also Like
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
giddy up Office Depot