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> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
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20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.