Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
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You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
choose your fighter
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.