A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
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If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
I have so many questions.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!