Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
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Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”